On Thursday, July 11, 2004, I wrote an article about the Kano based skit comedian, Dan Bello, and referred to him as the ‘Northern skit comedian of the moment’. I did not call him the skit comedian of the nation because all his skits are in Hausa language, the lingua franca of most of the northern region. By the way, I am an unapologetic promoter of the interest of Northern Nigeria, and of pan-Nigerian world view, to boot.

However, in this write up about another skit comedian, Investor Sabinus, he is my ‘national skit comedian of the moment’, for the simple reason that all his skits are produced in the English language, except for the occasional smattering of the French language to impress young ladies.

As we know, English is the official language of Nigeria, and is therefore spoken at all official functions by government functionaries, by ‘wannabe’ big office holders at state and federal levels, big business, at schools, etc.

In fact, some people could even hardly speak their mother tongue, but could speak the inherited language of the colonial masters so fluently as if they were born with it in their mouth.

Investor Sabinus could as well be the international skit comedian of the moment if he could speak a few words of the major languages in the world. He could well become the skit comedian of the world, if he could, at least, add a smattering of Mandarin (of China’s), Hindi, Spanish and Arabic languages to his already smattering French and fluent English.

Known as Investor Sabinus, in all the skits I saw, he has two trademarks that readily identify him as the real thing. These are his attire of blue long-sleeved shirt, a black trousers, different black sneakers, one on each foot, and his most famous closing cry at the end of most of his comedies. The cry of his stupidity, depicting his ‘handsome’ mug, as a picture in abject failure.

Some of the most famous ‘Investor Sabinus’ skit comedies for me, were where he tried to get employment by ‘all means’ and (where) he tried to impress beautiful Nigerian young women with his lies of being a very rich Nigerian investor who lived abroad and spoke French.

The comedy where he went to a place seeking for employment, accompanied by a native doctor (herbalist), will always remain evergreen in my mind.

In the said comedy, the illiterate and careless Investor Sabinus ‘dragged’ the native doctor to the place he wanted to be employed. Upon getting to the place, the ‘oga at the top’, who was to interview the applicant, saw the native doctor and remarked questioningly that “has it reached this stage”? To which the arrogant and illiterate applicant replied that ‘it is to ensure that the job is given to me this time’.

Unknown to Investor Sabinus, due to illiteracy and carelessness, the native doctor had replaced his (Sabinu’s) Curriculum Vitae (CV) with his (native doctor’s). So when the interviewer, who had upon seeing the CV earlier described it as brilliant, called his Personal Assistant (PA) to document Investor Sabinus (CV). The PA quickly returned to enquire about the name of the new employee, which upon hearing he responded that it did not correspond with the name on the CV.

The name on the CV belonged to the native doctor who had read mechanical engineering, a qualification that was a necessary requirement for the employment. Investors Sabinus looked at the native doctor with incredulity and asked him why he swapped the CV with his own. The native doctor replied that he was ‘forced’ by circumstances to become a native doctor because he had looked for a job without success since his graduation from the university with a first class degree three years ago.

He then removed the cap from his head identifying him as a native doctor, and dumped it on Investor Sabinus’, telling him to also be a ‘native doctor’ until he gets employment. And the face of the ‘betrayed’ Investor Sabinus dissolved into the cry signalling the drawing of the curtains on this particular comedy.

There is also the skit where he lied to a beautiful young Nigerian lady in French language that he was a Nigerian investor living abroad, but has only just arrived in the country looking for where to invest ‘some millions of dollars’. All the time he was on his cheap ‘phone pretending to be talking with an aircraft manufacturing company where he was ‘placing an order for four brand new airplanes’.

While still pretending to be on the ‘phone, his little son arrived on the scene pushing a large empty carton of plasma television. Upon sighting his father, the son shouted ‘dad look at the (empty) box of the plasma television our next door neighbour has just bought. He gave it to me to watch since, as he said, you could not afford to buy one for us’. The mug of Investor Sabinus fell into its usual expression of crying, signifying the end of the episode.

In yet another skit, Investor Sabinu was seen given N100K by the wife of his new housemaster to buy petroleum in a Jerry can, with the added instruction that he could come back for a bigger container if the one given to him was small.

On his way to the filling station he met a beautiful young lady who was canvassing for the candidacy of her father. She said her father was contesting the office of a minister. Upon hearing the mention of ‘minister’, Investor Sabinus gave the N100K to the girl as his contribution to the campaign coffers of the minister. He exchanged ‘phone numbers with the girl and told her giving assistance to such causes was his ‘middle name’. He however, urged the girl not to forget to mention him to her father. 

He immediately retuned to madam with an empty Jerry can, but without the money given to him for the purchase of petroleum. He arrogantly told the wife to tell her husband when he returned, that he (Investor Sabinus) did not want the job anymore, he had better things to do with his life.

After the date of the said ministerial election waiting without receiving a call from the girl, he decided to make the call himself, to which she immediately answered and invited him to their house. When Investor Sabinus got to the area without finding the address given to him by the girl, he called her to ask for the address again. 

On arriving at the address, he met three brand new Land cruiser jeeps with tainted glasses and Lagos registration numbers, parked in front of a house. He assumed the vehicles were parked in front of the minister’s house. Although he could not see the inside of the vehicles, he gave a smart salute all the same, and called the girl again to tell her that he had arrived and saluted her ‘dad’ in one of his vehicles parked outside the house.

She informed him that the address he went was opposite to their house, and she was in the company of her father and other people at that very moment. She asked him to turn the next corner and he would see them. And see them he did, but was not happy with what he saw. The Minister he was confronted with was a Minister of God, not of the political variety. The gathering were happy to see the ‘Investor’ himself at the Church fund raising, to which he was invited as the Chief Launcher. And his crying face told the rest of the story.

Before the reader gets tired of the examples of what I consider as my most memorable skit comedies of Investor Sabinus, let me make this one as the last example I will give. In this episode, Investor Sabinus was seen in the restaurant of a posh hotel, pleading with the ‘waiter’ to play along with him and bring what would cost ‘only N500’. The ‘waiter’ agreed to ‘help’ if he could be paid at least N50, which would then leave the lying Investor Sabinus with only N4,500. 

When the ‘girl friend’ arrived she met only four bottles of water on the hotel platter. She nonetheless went ahead to place a mighty order, which included the best the hotel had in terms of food and drink, to the silent consternation of Investor Sabinus. 

To make matters doubly worse for him, the ‘girl friend’s’ female friend also joined the two a little later. And she too ordered for the best, including a takeaway of fried rice with fish and chicken, with a bottle of sparkling champagne to go with the items. The face of Investor Sabinus was a picture in agony. The picture brought down the curtains.

His two weaknesses for quick employment for money and of beautiful young women were always his unmaking, since he invariably lost out at the end, because of his ‘illiteracy’. The famous expression on his crying face brings down the curtains on the comedy.

By the way, I have never watched him live on stage, I saw his skits on the tiny screen of my smart phone, not even the big screen of the film house, nor that of the small screen of the television. My experience is that it was always better to see things sitting in front of the screen, regardless of its size. That way, one would be in a better position to see all the angles of the ‘play’, whatever that may be.

Malam Malumfashi wrote from Katsina.